


What Binds Us

by violinbythefire



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Aftercare, Bad BDSM Etiquette, Communication, Consent Issues, Dubious Consent, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Flashbacks, Healthy Relationships, Insecurity, Light Bondage, Love, M/M, Misunderstandings, Nightmares, Roleplay, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Content, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-02-23 07:12:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13184994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violinbythefire/pseuds/violinbythefire
Summary: Young and eager Alec expresses to Magnus a desire to experiment in their relationship. As unsure and hesitant as Alec is to bringing up his wants and desires, Magnus is just as vulnerable as he is.No matter the time and space Magnus had put between himself and Camille, he could still feel her influence. He hates her for it. Especially now when faced with the idea that he could not give Alec what he wants.





	1. Vulnerability

Magnus had texted Alec earlier, complaining about his long day. Alec had jumped at the idea of being there for the man and serve a bit of comfort. Alec did not care for over worrying or over thinking. It was a useless waste of time. Yet there he was laying in the bed he and Magnus shared, going over the numerous scenarios of what would happen when he made the indecent proposal to Magnus. He listened to the sound of Magnus in the shower, knowing that he had a limited time frame to figure out if he was going ahead with asking Magnus the question and how he would phrase it. Magnus would soon slip into bed with Alec for a lazy evening in. Sex may or may not be on the agenda. Therefore, he had the opportunity to bring it up. 

The blunt way would be, “Magnus, I would like to have sex and roleplay as a warlock’s pet.” 

Now, if Alec could manage to get those words out of his mouth, he would have to face Magnus’s reaction. Alec liked to think that Magnus eccentricities and sexual experience worked in his favor. Surely his boyfriend would indulge in his boyfriend’s odd request. And yet, Alec did not want this to be a mere indulgence. He wanted Magnus to desire this as well. If Magnus had any sort of inclination towards wanting to bind or be rough during sex, Alec had not noticed it. Not to say that their sex life was vanilla. Maybe it was vanilla with cookie dough.

Great, now he was anxious and hungry. 

Worst case scenario would be that Magnus’s eyes would widen a little bit with surprise, flash a look of panic, and awkwardly let Alec down in the kindest way possible. Then of course, it would take some time for the discomfort in their sex life to dissipate. 

If Alec had been less secure in their relationship, he might have envisioned Magnus recoiling from him in disgust. He was learning that Magnus loved him as much as he loved Magnus. He wouldn’t leave him automatically for expressing a less than conventional sexual kink. He hoped not anyway.

Best case scenario would consist of Magnus’s eyes lighting up in delight and excitement. He would straddle Alec’s hips and move his hands over Alec’s wrists. Golden eyes would stare down at Alec and a suave and confident voice would purr out, “What took you so long?” 

Somewhere in the middle might be the actual result of tonight’s confession.

The water in Magnus’s shower turned off. Alec knew that he had approximately three minutes to think while Magnus was drying off and putting on silk pajamas. 

Alec could trace back to when he started to fantasize about being Magnus’s pet. He had a dream one night where all he could remember was feeling something soft and constricting around his wrists. His own voice whispered reverently, ‘Master, please’. The dreams became more frequent and more descriptive. It was not long before Alec would start to daydream during meetings of an indulgent, but firm Magnus simultaneously spoiling and disciplining him. 

Whenever anyone called Magnus ‘Alec’s pet warlock’, Alec would try to imagine the fantasy reversed. To envision Magnus in any sort of submissive position was uncomfortable. It was not his Magnus. Not to mention that countless amounts of people already depended on Alec. He could not think about controlling another one, especially his lover. He wanted to be the one without a care in the world except pleasing one person. 

The door to the bedroom opened and Magnus walked out. His glamor was on, but his hair was not coiffed and his face was bare of any make up. He wore a pair of plum colored silk pajamas that shamefully hid his body from Alec’s sight. His eyes were on the bed and it took no time before Magnus to slid beneath the covers. “Would you laugh at me if I told you that I was looking forward to this all day?” Magnus asked him.

“Of course not,” Alec replied affectionately as his fingers ran along Magnus’s hair as he cuddled closer to him. There was a certain amount intimacy that was needed for two people to be so close and to be content with simply each other’s presence. To think that all Magnus wanted after seeing clients all day was to spend time with Alec caused a fluttering emotion in his stomach.

Magnus murmured contently as he preened against Alec’s touches, “You’re sweet, Alexander.” His fingers drifted down to Alec’s waist. His eyes were drooping with fatigue, a sight that was making Alec rethink burdening Magus with this potential relationship changing request. He was prepared to fall asleep with Magnus beside him when the warlock spoke. “I’m not too tired, sweetheart…We can do whatever you like tonight…as long as it does not involve me leaving this bed,” He told Alec, chuckling softly at his last remark.

Alec had no idea what to do with the permission that was given to him. Well, he knew what he was not going to do with it. He had no intention of pushing Magnus to fool around when he was tired. The smart thing to do would be to insist that he was fine with holding him until he fell asleep. However, Alec was not certain how long he could go on with this question of his bubbling beneath the surface. So he cleared his throat as he tried to articulate his thoughts. “Can we talk for a moment?” He asked, glancing at Magnus’s face to see his reaction. He could detect the hints of curiosity and dash of worry crossing Magnus’s expression. “It’s nothing bad,” He assured him, “I mean…It’s not something for you to worry about. I mean, I just…” He swallowed, hoping that he prevented the slew of word vomit leaving his mouth. What he did say was different from what he intended.

“Have you ever done anything….BDSM related?” He asked, his voice now hardly above a whisper as though they were not the only two people in the apartment. 

The apprehension had left Magnus’s face and was replaced with a confused amusement, “I have….” Alec exhaled, relieved that he had not thrown himself into unfamiliar territory, at least for one of them. “Alexander, may I ask what brought this on?” Magnus questioned, looking at him with no longer tired eyes.

Alec could feel the blush rising in his cheeks. “It’s…I thought it could be something you and I could explore,” He stated. It was not a complete lie. He just did not state that he already had a fantasy he wanted to replicate in reality. 

Magnus looked like he was mulling over Alec’s words before he would respond. He glanced away from Alec and instead at the bedsheets. He did not seem to be outright rejecting the idea, but he was not embracing it either. With each second, Alec felt more and more nervous. After nearly two minutes of silence, Alec could not help but blurt out, “It’s not that important. Forget I said anything.”

“Alexander,” Magnus stated his name, firmly, rising now so that he was propping himself up on his arms, “It’s important-“

Alec, in his nervousness, suddenly interrupted his boyfriend, “I mean, I’m not asking that we make this ‘our thing’. I don’t want it to be like that. I want it to be something we could do on occasion….Not saying that, I ‘want it’ want it, but it-“ He felt like was digging himself further and further into a hole that he would not be able to crawl out of. Thankfully, Magnus cut him off.

“Darling, you’re going to work yourself up,” Magnus commented, his voice soothing enough to bring Alec back to the present and not some alternative future where he single handedly ruined everything. Magnus placed a hand on Alec’s shoulder and was rubbing it affectionately. It eased the tension Alec felt. “Alexander, I love you. Part of that includes a touch of vulnerability,” He smiled at his words before continuing, “I’ll do anything to make you happy.”

Magnus must have thought that his words would make Alec feel better. They didn’t. “I don’t want you to do it because it makes me happy. I want you to do it because you want to do it as well,” Alec said, his eyes drifting down, watching as his own hand drifted to rest on Magnus’s thigh. He thought that he would end up spelling out what he wanted this evening, but it seemed that Magnus had a clear idea of what he thought was going on. 

“I’ll be happy with anything that involves making you happy and sex, you silly angel,” Magnus returned, playfully, beaming a smile that only barely reached his eyes. Maybe it was a trick of the light. He leaned in to peck Alec’s lips, causing the man’s heart to flutter. “But…I would appreciate it if we can discuss this tomorrow when I’m not about to fall asleep.”

“Oh…Oh, yes, of course,” Alec agreed, knowing that they would both be in a better place tomorrow. He watched as Magnus eased back down into a lying position. He wrapped his arms around Magnus, pulling the warlock close to him. “I love you,” He whispered into Magnus’s ear, watching as the man adjusted his body. Magnus lied his head on Alec’s chest, nuzzling close to him.

“I love you, too,” Magnus whispered back to him. 

Something felt different about the way that Magnus lied on top of him. He felt almost rigid, as though he was ready to pounce at a moment’s notice. Alec had moved his fingers through Magnus’s hair, hoping that he could do his part in easing his boyfriend into a peaceful sleep. As his own heartbeat lulled and his breath slowed, Magnus continued to lie there as still as a statue. 

The twisting feeling in Alec’s stomach did not go away even when he fell asleep.


	2. Gilded Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, there is a trigger warning for this chapter for sexual assault and dubious consent.

Magnus waited until Alec was asleep. He concentrated on the sound of his boyfriend breathing and counting the number of threads in his sheets. It was better than giving the thoughts in his head anything more than a passing piece of attention. Maybe ten minutes had passed before Alec’s breathing slowed and his arm was limp around Magnus’s waist. “Alexander…” Magnus whispered, soft enough so he would not be forced awake and loud enough to get Alec’s attention if he was awake. Alec did not stir. Magnus slowly removed the arm from his waist and sat up in the bed next to Alec. He watched as his boyfriend’s mouth twisted into a frown before he curled on his side. 

After waiting to assure Alec would not wake, Magnus moved out of the bed. He opened his dresser to pull out a robe to put on his body. He took note of the way his fingers felt against the material and the quiet sounds of the apartment settling. As he did so, focusing on the physical sensations no longer worked on warding off the intrusive thoughts. He walked, almost in a daze, into his living room area and sat down on his couch. A cup of tea appeared in his hands and he took a hesitant sip. 

_Burgundy red lips popped before turning into a pout. Manicured nails ran along his cheek as a voice murmured, “If you loved me, you would do it.”_

If it was not the 19th century and Magnus had heard those words now, a red flag would have been raised. Wasn’t that the phrase pushy boyfriends used on their virgin girlfriends in almost every teen drama on television? If Magnus was not starving for love and acceptance, he would point out that he did not have to show his love by engaging in something he did not want to do. 

Unfortunately, none of those factors were in play in the bedroom Magnus shared with Camille in London. Instead, the factors that came into play were the following. Camille had disappeared for a month. It was her first night back. Magnus was desperately trying to ignore his logical mind. With all of his intelligence and experience, the only thing Magnus wanted was for Camille to stay with him. He wanted someone to love him and he was not particularly picky on who it was. And if he did this for her, then maybe she would not go off with someone who was more than willing. 

Now it was the 21st century and Magnus was certainly older and just maybe a bit wiser. It was not hard to separate Alec from Camille. To group the two together was a disservice to the man he loved. Magnus had been comfortable with taking the lead with Alec. Perhaps part of him, a selfish part, thought that meant that he could steer Alec away from bad, harmful habits. So imagine his surprise when ‘BDSM’ came out of his boyfriend’s mouth. 

If the Internet had been accessible, all it would take was a google search for Magnus to figure out that Camille was not acting in his best interest. He would know that he still kept his autonomy even though he submitted. He would know that he had more than a right to stop this. He would know that it was not proper of Camille to leave him the instance they were finished. 

Magnus did not know. And imagine his quivering vulnerability as Camille pushed him too far. 

_Camille’s hands traveled along his chest as her lips ghosted along his ear. She whispered filthy, insulting things into his ear that he would later repeat to himself when he was alone in their bed yet again. It was easier to concentrate on her hips and to watch her take in his length. He did not like being unable to touch her. He did not like the gold cuffs around his wrists, binding him to the bed post. He did not like it when his skin became red and sore. However, Magnus hated that his hands, conduits of his magic, were in such a position._

_The vampire sat up and continued to move her hands up his chest and to his throat. Magnus’s heart jumped because his body knew what she was about to do. Magnus’s mind tried to say that Camille would never do something like that to him. They had never talked about it. The instant that Camille’s fingers pressed on his throat, Magnus began to thrash. Having known nothing about ‘safe words’ or any sort of indication that he was no longer consenting to this particular part of this encounter, he spoke the one word that should have shown how he felt. “No,” He told Camille, pulling at the cuffs as his discomfort morphed into panic._

_If Camille heard him, she did not show it. She continued to bounce herself on Magnus’s length as she pressed her fingers into his throat. His hands struggled against the cuffs’ hold. “Yes,” she moaned out, “Fight me.”_

_“Camille, stop!” Magnus finally rasped, sparks of his magic flying out into the bed curtains of their four poster bed. She most certainly noticed that her bed almost caught on fire. She appeared to snap out of whatever trance she was in and quickly removed her hands from his throat._

_Later, when Magnus was giving her the silent treatment and healing his wounds, Camille had apologized. Or she tried to apologize in the only way she knew how. She sat next to him on the bed, twirling the cuffs on her finger, teasing him about letting him take control. As though this was a bloody bartering system. “I care about you, Camille. I would like to stay with you,” He told her, the anger and hurt in his body too much for him to handle, “But you will not put those things on me again.” She told him that he was overreacting. He was blowing what happened out of proportion. He misunderstood what happened. All he knew was that he told Camille ‘no’ and she didn’t stop. She laughed at him when he told her this._

_"It's part of it, Magnus."_

Years later, when Camille and Magnus finally ended their relationship, Magnus found himself miserable. At his lowest points, when he missed her more than anyone, he thought about how if he let her continue to dominate him, then maybe she would still be with him. When Magnus got better, the shame that such a thought even crossed his mind overtook him.

To be quite honest, Magnus had not thought about that particular part of his relationship with Camille for some time. Not even when he was being tortured. It was only when Alec mentioned wanting to explore that aspect that Magnus felt the memories overtake him. 

Magnus knew one thing for certain. He would do close to anything to make Alec happy. He trusted Alec. He knew that the man would not hurt him. More than likely, he would stop if Magnus asked him to. He just hoped that whatever Alec wanted would not include cuffing him. 

After careful consideration, Magnus decided that he would be fine with continuing down this path. Alec was a kind and sweet soul beneath that scowling. Magnus had no reason to be frightened of the man. He had certainly grown from his time with Camille in London. Was it not interesting? He was hundreds of years old and still learning every day. The two of them could talk about what they were and were not willing to do. 

Once Magnus was finished with his tea, he placed the cup in the sink before he returned to the bedroom. He slipped the robe off his body, placing it back in the dresser. He glanced at the bed and saw that Alec’s sleeping body had somehow found his way over to Magnus’s side of the bed. Touched, Magnus smiled at the man before slipping into the bed, hoping to reclaim his space. His unconscious boyfriend, moved closer to Magnus’s body. The warlock placed a tender kiss on Alec’s cheek before he eased himself into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading


	3. Dream Interlude

_The smell of sandalwood was thick in the air. Alec could feel himself grow tense with anticipation. Giddiness mixed with apprehension. His heart was beating quickly and shaky gasps left his lips. Oh how he wished that Magnus would touch him or at the very least speak to him. Alec most certainly could do so in his current condition. His view was obstructed by a soft blindfold and he had not yet been given permission to speak. When Alec finally felt the bed dip under Magnus’s weight, he had to stop himself from shuddering in need. When a single digit ran along the rune on Alec’s chest, he could not help but tilt into the touch like a content cat. Magnus placed his palm on Alec’s skin and he spoke quietly. Alec could barely hear him._

_It was not long after Magnus spoke when Alec felt another hand on his body. A strong, masculine hand ran along his lower abdomen, barely touching the area Alec wanted him to. He knew he was aroused. “Please,” He gasped out involuntarily, knowing that he had disobeyed an order by speaking._

_Magnus was a good master, but he was strict. The tenets of discipline included steady predictability. “Oh, pet,” Magnus tutted as he pulled his hands away._

_And as Alec’s lover pulled his hands away, the dream faded away into darkness. Alec chased the visions, trying desperately to bring Magnus back. Flashes of warm colors flashed through his mind._

Alec woke suddenly as though with a jolt. He opened his eyes and immediately looked to his side to reassure himself that he was not alone. He was disappointed. Beside him was an empty spot on the bed where Magnus should be. Alec glanced at his phone and saw that it was almost five in the morning. Magnus waking before Alec was not an uncommon occurrence, but that did not mean that Alec had to like it. It was more than likely that Magnus had gone off to work on a project for a client. Alec did not have long before he had to go to the Institute so he wanted to spend as much time with Magnus as possible. Alec slipped from the bed and left the room.

Instead of being in his workroom, Magnus was on the couch in the living room. Alec was surprised to see Magnus curled up on the couch. It did not take long for the pieces to fall into place. An empty cup of tea, faintly smelling of chamomile, was sitting on the coffee table. Alec figured that Magnus had woken up in the middle of the night, drank some tea, and fell back asleep. Which was strange. Why didn’t Magnus come back to bed after drinking his tea? The clues seemed to point out that Magnus made the conscious decision to sleep on the couch. 

Alec bit his lower lip and almost forced his mind to settle on the conclusion that Magnus was having a rough night and did not want to disturb Alec. He did not want to think about how his admission last night bothered the warlock to the point that he left his own bed. The idea that he upset his boyfriend was itching at him. He walked over to the couch, noticing that Magnus was not just lying on his side. Magnus’s knees were brought to his chest and his arms were wrapped tightly around his chest. 

With hesitant steps, Alec moved closer to the couch and sat down on an empty spot. He ran his fingers through Magnus’s hair, taking advantage of the opportunity. When his hair was not done with mundane products or magic, Magnus loved to have Alec play with his hair. He said that it relaxed him. Alec gently scratched at his scalp, hoping that he would not wake him. He just hoped that he could soothe whatever was ailing his boyfriend. Alec leaned his head back on the couch, slipping back into sleep.

***

_“If you love me, you would do it” hit Magnus’s ear like a distorted memory. Instead of Camille making the manipulative request, Alec was speaking to him. What was worse was that Alec was looking at him with so much affection and love. There was no hidden, selfish agenda. It was as though Alec was asking for something that Magnus should have offered on his own. Magnus could not remember how long it had been since he felt so happy, so warm, so safe. Gratitude overwhelmed him and all Magnus wanted to do was to fulfill every wish Alec had for him._

_With an unsteady nod, Magnus gave permission. He hoped that the excited, happy smile Alec presented to him would be seared in his memory. He would need something to think of if…when…if something hurt him. As he lied on his back and Alec moved over him, Magnus tried to assure himself that things had not been so terrible with Camille during that part of their sexual history._

_Something hard and cold bit into his wrists. His heart leapt into his chest as he realized that Alec had pinned his arms by the head of his bed. “Wait…” Magnus murmured out as he heard the click of metal cuffs. And like he hoped, but dared not to expect, Alec had undone the cuffs and pulled them off. But he had such a look of disappointment in his eyes._

Magnus woke, not because he naturally did so, but because he had no desire to be asleep anymore. He felt Alec stir next to him on the bed and he was brought back to the present. Between the realm of sleep and wakefulness, Magnus tried to remind himself that he was sleeping in his own bed with Alec. He reached out, his fingers hesitantly brushing along Alec’s bicep. You couldn’t feel in dreams. After a few moments of stroking Alec’s skin, Magnus stopped. He was satisfied that the dream had long escaped his subconscious. 

Even though Magnus’s eyes were now closed and the apartment was quiet, he struggled to ease himself back into sleep. Thoughts began to creep into his mind, first one or two came in. ‘You’re overreacting’ came not in Camille’s voice, but his own. It was not like this event, this relationship, was so fresh in his mind. It had been years. He should have moved past it. He should have been able to talk to Alec, discuss his hesitations. 

Magnus rolled over to his side so that he was facing the opposite direction, looking at the wall of the bedroom. The thoughts that rolled in one by one were now racing. 

He knew why he was feeling this way. The anxiety and desperation was clouding any rational part of his mind. Instead, his emotions were crying out for attention. ‘Look at me! Danger ahead! Danger around you! You need to do something now! Now! Now! Just make it stop!’ 

He would laugh if it was not so pathetic. Magnus Bane, centuries old and a powerful warlock, was overcome by such a mundane mental hiccup. Here he was, body tense and forgoing sleep rather than making a plan for how to approach Alec. 

The only way to deal with this feeling was to merely marvel at the situation. Magnus was so gone on this boy, his Alec, that he saw utter doom ahead. On one hand, he said nothing and risked Alec hurting him. On the other hand, he stood his ground and risked Alec finding a way to soothe his interest elsewhere. 

Logically, Magnus knew the unlikelihood of these scenarios. But his rational mind was so quiet against the panic of his emotional mind. 

Alec shifted in the bed again, bringing Magnus’s attention back to the present. He looked over his shoulder, his eyes lingering on Alec’s pouty lips. Magnus’s own twitched into a fond smile. The thoughts quieted for a moment. 

Magnus had once promised himself that he would not let himself fall into the same trap he found himself in with Camille. He couldn’t give his entire self to someone. And yet, there was no other idea that made him happier than the idea that he could be with Alec for the remainder of his life. There was no one else he wanted to please. 

Minutes ticked by one by one. Inside the warlock’s mind, several different scenarios went through his mind. The one that Magnus hoped for was that Alexander’s desires lied somewhere else. Magnus wouldn’t mind being hurt necessarily. They had never been particularly rough with one another. Magnus for one, actually enjoyed the sharp sting of sharp nails going down his back. Seeing the marks later in the mirror was the best part. That was the extent of his particular interest in that field. 

Yet as much as Magnus was willing to settle and even desire the above described scenario, worse things came to mind. He knew that Alec wouldn’t leave him over the refusal just as he abstractly knew many other things in his life. That was rational. However, fear was never rational when it was like this.

Sleep was going to elude him. And he needed space. Magnus glanced at Alec one more time, seeing that the young man was still deeply asleep. Magnus smiled and kissed Alec on the forehead lightly before making his way out of the bedroom. 

It wasn’t long before Magnus had whipped up a cup of chamomile tea dosed with a heavy sleeping draught. He settled on the couch and brought the drink to his lips, taking in the tea and the potion quickly. Magnus instantly felt his eyes droop and he wondered if he had made it too strong, if maybe his thoughts were too clouded for him to even focus. He had set the tea cup down just in time for him to slump over on his side. And yet even in the deep slumber, Magnus still knew that all was not well with the world. He curled into himself before finally losing all consciousness.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
